Pregnancy Post-Miscarriage

I have had this post saved in my drafts for months now and it seemed appropriate to share today.  Why? Because on this day exactly, 1 year ago... I had my D&C after losing our first baby(ies).  It was the darkest time for me and one of the lowest points of my life.  And here I sit exactly 1 year later watching my little girl sleep soundly in my arms.  I stare down at the miracle that she truly is.  I can't imagine my life without Stella and had the other baby(ies) made it, we wouldn't have HER. This verse gave me hope then, and has such a rich meaning to me NOW. 

"And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

It is amazing at what the Lord has redeemed in our lives in the past 12 months.  So much can change in a year.  

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What has pregnancy been like post-miscarriage? 

I have been asked this question a few times and I guess the simple answer is that I have never experienced a blissful pregnancy because my first one ended so tragically. Therefore, I have nothing to compare it to  I have never "tasted" anything other than a loss, followed (very quickly) by a new life.  That is my "normal."  

After we found out we were expecting for the second time, my first reaction was JOY followed very quickly by terror. I remember asking Logan and my friend Morgan to please pray with me in the car for a full-term, healthy pregnancy and a very early STRONG heartbeat.  I did not want to lose this one.  I was incredibly fearful during the first trimester.  I battled DAILY with fear... I DID, however find reassurance in my symptoms.  This time around I was nauseous all day, every day and had a lot of fatigue and low energy, but it was actually much better than last January when I would have to take 2 hours naps every afternoon and overall just felt depressed.  This time, I was just tired.  I tried my best to take those crummy moments as a reminder that things were progressing and going well.  Prayer and scripture helped the most.  I had to constantly remind myself that the miracle of creating a child is not in our hands... There is nothing we can do to take control from the Ultimate Creator.  So I just had to sit back and TRUST and hope and pray in those panic moments.  I knew that the God who formed me was also forming this baby and He knew him/ her fully already.  That gave me peace and security. 

My whole mentality changed at our 8 week appointment.  I would say up until that point, I was almost in denial about the pregnancy. I didn't want to get too excited or too attached like last time, so I guarded myself.  I remember the quiet drive to that appointment and the tears flowing down my cheeks as we listened to worship music to try to calm my spirit.  We walked in and the Doctor saw us right away.  He fit us in because he knew our story from last time and that I was going to Dallas for 2 weeks that Friday and we wanted to make sure everything was on track.  (I miscarried at 8 weeks last time, so this appointment was huge for me considering I did NOT want anything to happen to me in Dallas - away from Logan, our doctor, and our insurance!) 

We went straight to the sonogram and I held my breath while Logan squeezed my hand really hard.  Sure enough, up popped a BEAUTIFUL little blob! It looked nothing like our previous sonograms from the miscarriage- there was no mistake that this was a BABY... we were able to see its head and body, it wiggled its little nubs, and the doctor asked us the very thing that we were dying to hear... "Would you like to hear the heartbeat?" We said YES! It was music to my ears.  I burst into the happiest, most emotional, sobbing tears.  The doctor was a bit confused/ concerned with my reaction and I clarified "I am just SO HAPPY!" He then went on to say this was a very EARLY, STRONG, HEARTBEAT... word for word what we had prayed since Day 1 in the car with Morgan.  It was then that he said we had his blessing for me to go to Dallas and things were looking great and on track at 8 weeks! This was also the appointment where we got our January 28th due date and the affirmation that I needed in order to announce the pregnancy to my family and close friends while I was in Dallas. 

All that to say...  I do think that I struggled with fear more than others because of the miscarriage. Every ache, every pain, every abnormal sensation made me immediately jump to a worst case scenario panic...  But on the positive side, I don't think Logan or I took anything for granted this time and we learned the only way we could get through it was relying on and trusting the Lord.  We were (and still are) humbled, grateful, and awestruck at every milestone we reach. 

Our little blob at 8 weeks.  Little head on the right and body/ nubs on the left. 

Compared to 3 weeks old! Blob to beauty. Can you see the resemblance? haha :)