"Pushing Through"

The internet is a funny place.  It's SO OPEN AND SO PUBLIC. For YEARS, the blogs that I have fallen in love with are the ones that are "real" and raw and honest.  I looked up to these women because they were brave and courageous... not because of anything specifically that they had done but the common thread that they were unashamedly themselves and weren't afraid to put both the GOOD AND HARD TIMES out there into cyberspace.  Life is messy. And imperfect. And MANY people choose to have their social media reflect their highlight reel, not the behind the scenes and that is AWESOME and completely up to them!  I am also fully aware it IS the highlight reel because no one has a perfect life.  BUT I have chosen to be more like those women I have followed and respected and admired for so many years. The raw. The open. The real life.  (Sidebar: Check out this inpiring TED Talk by one of my heroes, Brené Brown http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability )

Since I've made that decision, I have trembled hitting publish every time I go "public" with a struggle.  My miscarriage.  My struggle with breastfeeding. And now.... WHATEVER this is.

When I get calls, texts, emails, and messages thanking me for being a "voice" and encouraging me to keep writing and that I somehow helped someone or taught them a great lesson... I realize THAT is why I do this.  If I can help even just 1 person in some small way, it's worth it.

I have been writing since I was in elementary school.  It has always been my therapy.  I have a box in my Mom's garage FULL of my old journals.  So I am going to keep sharing and posting and being brave because it is something I LOVE doing.  It is fulfilling and seems to be helping people.  If you know me in "real life" you know that I have always been an open book so this is no surprise. I feel like the Lord has given me the gift of "openness" and "vulnerability." I know that is not something that comes easy to a lot of people.  I don't regret a single word I have published nor am I embarrassed to admit that I struggle sometimes.  

I wish I had a pretty packaged answer to give you on what I have been going through. OH LORD, I do.  I would truly find COMFORT in a diagnosis and for 6 very long weeks we have searched.  I have seen numerous doctors and we have ruled a lot of things out.  How crazy is it that when we tested my thyroid and my bloodwork came back completely normal... that I CRIED?!?!? I mean that is twisted. But I know many of you can relate to the fact that sometimes NOT KNOWING what is wrong with you or what caused something can be the scariest because it can be any number of things! You just want to feel like your old self again and no one can seem to tell you what it is, why it happened, or when it will get better so you just keep collecting information and clues.  It is quite a journey.

Some things I have heard speculated about have made me chuckle, horrified, and grateful all at the same time:

• I do NOT have cancer.  Thank the GOOD GOD above I do not. We never thought it was that. 
• Logan is NOT leaving me! HAHAHA... Because of this HELL, we are closer than ever. He has been by my side during this entire ordeal.  "In sickness and in health." (Happy 6th Anniversary by the way, babe!)
• My girls are HEALTHY as can be!!! THEY are my anchors. I am pushing through this because I want to be the very best Mom for THEM!

I am VERY aware of my blessings and even more aware that in the awful game of comparison that there is ALWAYS someone that is "worse off" than I am. I also don't want to minimize what I went through the past 6 weeks because it was extremely hard on me and my family.  I am not trying to get attention or be dramatic or even get sympathy.  I am just merely sharing a hard life experience in hopes that I can share some lessons I learned along the way that will hopefully help someone now or in the future.  

Thanks for being on this journey with me! God is teaching me, growing me, and refining me through this process.  I will be a better version of myself once this is behind me and for that I am grateful.  

The Lord is whispering to me every day.... "Push THROUGH." I can. I will. And I am making progress. Praise Him!