2019: SECURITY

Anyone else struggle with their identity?  Someone's words or behavior can literally change the trajectory of your day or week?  You find yourself replaying it over and over again and sort of spiral down this rabbit hole of "not enough" or "I should have..." or "I will never be..."

Yeah, me too. 

But my goal this year is value a healthy fear of the Lord OVER fear of Man. 

I want to grow so much in my security in HIM that people's thoughts and actions cannot affect me the way they have in the past. I want to believe the TRUTH that He made me uniquely and wonderfully and how my emotions are beautiful.  I want to be fully myself and fully alive and present and not hold back worried about if its "too much" or if someone will leave or betray me. 

Nope. I am not going to worry about that.  I want to live life in FULL COLOR not safe and in black and white.

So I see you 2019.  I am coming for you - heart open, feet firm, and head lifted high.  This is the year I am going to live in SECURITY.  Who I am am and WHOSE I am.

The Miracles Behind Mohawk

I haven't been able to tell the masses the full story behind our recent move so I thought I would take a minute this morning and walk you through how it all happened... IN SIX DAYS.

In order to do so, I need to back up.  61 days before Andrew was born, our landlord told us that he wanted to put our house on the market and we needed to be out in 60 days.  This was my SECOND time to move in my third trimester and I was a mess about it.  Due to the timing, we were not able to be picky about the neighborhood or the house.  Thank God we had a couple from our community group who had a GORGEOUS rental home available right away! It was (and still is) the nicest and most updated home we have ever lived in.  They were so gracious and didn't make us sign a lease or put down a deposit.  We had no idea how long we would be in that home and it felt nice to just LAND somewhere and figure out the rest later.

Fast forward to February of this year.  My sister was approaching her due date with her first baby and the second she went into labor, I was going to hop in the car with my Mom and Andrew and drive to Illinois to be at the birth.  As we were all sitting around waiting for Dottie to make her appearance, I was able to go to our neighborhood Kindergarten roundup.  Originally, I was not supposed to be in town for it.

But God...

TUESDAY 

I will leave out the name of the school, but I left kinder roundup crying.  Although we were living in the most beautiful home, I did NOT have a peace about the school.  I also put our name in a lottery for the local magnet school, but there was no guarantee that we would get into that school.  The beauty of that school was that we would not have to move so Logan and I started researching the school, taking tours, and going to info nights there.

For some reason I STILL did not have peace.  Paperwork for the magnet school was in but I was not settled in my spirit.  The VISION I had for my family was to live in a neighborhood with a lot of young families.  I also dreamt of a "front yard neighborhood." One where people were outside and interacting with each other instead of isolated within their homes.

WEDNESDAY 

On Dottie's due date, I  got a text from a good friend of mine that Mohawk (which historically NEVER has spots for incoming kinder) had an unusually small kinder roundup and that I should get my transfer paperwork ready.   I talked to several folks within the district about transfer approvals in RISD.  Well, let's just say... They don't happen.  You have to have a family member on staff or a signed lease or contract on a house in the neighborhood in order to transfer to a school.  The reason behind this is to encourage neighborhood kids to attend their neighborhood school.

So transferring was out of the question and I nervously brought up the topic of moving (AGAIN) with Logan.  It was the only way I knew we would for sure get into the school.  Now I know that for some, kindergarten is not a huge deal.  Logan was not thrilled but he could tell that putting Stella in the RIGHT school was very important to me.

THURSDAY

My friend Ashley told me about a rental house ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER.  I went to look at the house by myself on Thursday night.  It was essentially a 1965 home that had been minimally updated but possessed a ton of character.  It was hard to grapple with going from a very updated, modern home to what I endearingly called a "grandma house" but my friend reminded me that this decision needed to be for STELLA and NOT for me.  Humbling and SO true.

Logan told me that night that he would be open to seeing it but he was not about to sign a lease on a home if I had never stepped foot inside the school.  So Thursday night I called and left a message to see if I could come take a school tour sometime soon and that we were considering moving to the neighborhood.

FRIDAY

On Friday, both of my parents made the decision to go ahead and drive to Illinois since Katy was now several days PAST her due date, it was the weekend and that would ensure they would likely be AT Dottie's birth instead of in the car.  I knew that I needed to get this kindergarten thing wrapped up so I told them to go ahead without me.  Funny enough, the PRINCIPAL called me on Friday and asked if I could come in for a tour with her later that afternoon.  So I said YES!  Meanwhile, Logan found a ROUND TRIP AIRFARE TO ILLINOIS FOR $90.  That is including taxes. WHAT ON EARTH!!! This was not only in our budget, but saved Andrew and I from 2 very long car rides that I was anxious about with a baby.

I completely clicked with the principal during the tour and by the end, I was completely drinking the Koolaid.  Everything about their approach to education to the fact that most families walk to school every day, had me SOLD!  I left giddy and came home and told Logan I don't care if we live in a shoebox but our kids need to go to this school!

SATURDAY

Logan and I went and looked at the house and filled out a rental application.  Word was getting out that Mohawk had kinder openings, so there was increased interest in the property and we were just praying it would work out in our favor.

SUNDAY

We got chosen for the house and had the lease emailed over to us.

MONDAY

I went up to Mohawk and enrolled Stella in kindergarten.  ALSO THE SAME DAY THAT MY SISTER WENT INTO LABOR!!!!

TUESDAY

My $90 flight was already scheduled for Tuesday morning so I got to meet Dottie when she was just 24 hours old!

MIRACLE UPON MIRACLE. 

Some may call all of this coincidence, but I know it was God very clearly directing my steps.  I think Dottie going past her due date was all part of His plan.  Had Katy gone into labor the week before, NONE of this would have happened and the rental would have gone to someone else.  I think the wisdom my friend Ashley spoke over me. The timing of the school tour. The rental house. The $90 round trip tickets.  ALL OF IT. He orchestrated FOR ME.

God is in the details, friends. He cares about every aspect of our lives. And I have never been more certain that this is where He has us.

We couldn't be more thrilled with our new neighborhood.  We have had cookies, brownies, a goodie basket and candle delivered as Welcome gifts.  Neighbors continue to come over and introduce themselves.  My kids played basketball with our backyard neighbors this weekend and we found out that they also go to our same church.  Never in our 8 years of marriage have we lived in such an inviting and warm neighborhood. The house might be more outdated than our last house, but it feels like HOME. We intend on PLANTING here.

It's a BOY!

I am THRILLED to announce that we had a little BOY last week!

Tuesday, September 5th at 7:54am little ANDREW MOOSE MISEGADES came into the world while Hillsong's "Oceans" was playing.

He weighed in at 8 lbs 7 oz and was 19.75 inches long. (Our shortest but heaviest baby!)

We hired a photographer to capture the moment Logan told me as well as Logan's proud waiting room moment... Both of those experiences were exactly WHY we wanted to do surprise gender this time and it exceeded all expectations! Before I share all of those the pictures, I did want to explain the details behind his name.

ANDREW -

This is a story I have only shared with a handful of people.  Because we weren't sure on the gender, I was a bit insecure on sharing this yet.  In 2015 I was sitting in a sermon at our church in Southlake.  Chloé was only 5 months old so there was no future baby on our radar.  During the sermon, our Pastor was actually going through all of the disciples and how they died a martyrs death.  When he got to Andrew he choked up as he explained that "Andrew was whipped severely by seven soldiers in Greece and then crucified. His followers reported that when he was lead towards the cross, Andrew said these words 'I have long desired and expected this happy hour.'  He continued to preach to his tormentors for two days until he died." I don't know how to explain it but at the very moment I had the thought WOW what a man of faith, I feel like the Lord downloaded a promise into my heart.  In my heart and spirit I feel like He told me, You are going to have a son and his name will be Andrew.  From that moment on, I have held onto that promise.  I wasn't sure if Andrew would be this baby, a future biological baby, a future adopted baby, or a future boy that we mentored.  What has been cool is the timing of all of this.  He told me this is August 2015 and my anxiety/ insomnia started in September of 2015 and then last summer I had all my health scares surrounding my voice and swallowing.  I remember the darker days when I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through or wondering if I was about to receive a terminal diagnoses... The Lord would gently remind me that He was not through with me yet because I still have a son to be born named Andrew.  So in those valleys, I had a flicker of hope.... The promise of THIS little boy.  Andrew has never been on Logan's or my radar as a name ... ever ... but we obediently named him Andrew and it couldn't be more fitting because of the meaning and the Promise behind it.  He is our redemption baby.

MOOSE -

Moose is actually Logan's Mom's maiden name (Sherilyn Moose).  Pictured below is Grandpa Moose who Logan had a really special relationship with.  Growing up he was always jealous of his cousins who got the last name MOOSE because he thought it was so cool.  We are hoping our boy thinks the same thing! I mean he's bound to be cool with a name like THAT!  Another funny fact is that Logan out of all his siblings favors the Moose side of the family versus the Misegades.  So THERE is the mystery of "Moose" explained for everyone.

People have been asking what to call this little man of ours.  I want it to be organic.  I will refer to him as Andrew but we already have a pretty big fan club calling him Moose.  I am sure the "Moose" popularity will only increase over the coming years, especially when sports get introduced, ha! 

"Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord." LUKE 1:45 

Halfway There!!! Bebe Misegades 3.0

I don't know why God has blessed our family with another perfectly healthy baby especially when I have so many dear friends who are facing different circumstances right now. Roads I've never had to nor would WANT to travel. I'm so thankful and at the same time feel like life is messy and hard and flat out not fair sometimes. Why didn't these things happen to me? I don't deserve any of these gifts.But I will Praise You God for another precious life. And another gorgeous healthy growing baby. To my dear friends (you know who you are) ... I'm not in your shoes but I am on my knees and will battle this out alongside you. So hard to be heavy and joyful at the same time. Love to you! 

To my Angel Baby(ies) and my NEW Baby

Written on January 26th.  The morning we were headed in to the doc to confirm my pregnancy. 

_________________________

To my very first Baby(ies)

The sting of your loss is palpable. I can go back 5 years in an instant to that cold hospital and apathetic doctor.  Tears well in my eyes at the thought of it.  The waiting. The hoping. The praying. The painting. The writing. 

You are not forgotten. You are in a much happier place but I still ache because I am your Mommy. 

Hope because you taught us to pray big BOLD prayers despite medical opinions. 

Samuel because you were the child we prayed for so very hard. 

Well I am currently pregnant with your littlest brother or sister and the enemy is trying to steal the joy out of this experience just like he has done every time since I lost you.  But I am going to battle this out. 

We are going to be victorious. We are going to celebrate this life and this blessing and this hope.  

To my new baby. I love you. I have already been daydreaming about you and how you are the missing puzzle piece to our family. We think you may be our grand finale baby and because of that I want to cherish every single moment of this last pregnancy. I do not want to be swallowed up by fear or anxiety. 

Baby - We look forward to seeing you today. Hearing that strong heartbeat and getting sweet affirmation that you are alive and well and growing big and strong in my womb. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are being knit together by the most loving and creative Father and I know He has big plans for you and our family.  

So to my Angel Babies- I will never forget you. I will celebrate you instead of fearing. 

To my new baby - You are a treasure.  A blessing after a very long and hard season of bad health. You are the crescendo to the beautiful symphony of our family.  My prayer is that we can enjoy every single note. 

XO

Mommy 

Thank(full)

In the wake of Thanksgiving and approaching Christmas, I am just thankful.

Thankful for my marriage, my girls, my improving health, my community, my church, my friends and my home.  Hardest year to date but in that refining fire, we have come through stronger, bolder, and tougher.  Praise Him.



I have learned that when we adopt an attitude of gratitude it helps us when we struggle with comparison, envy, or jealousy.

I listened to a sermon recently that talked about the "spiral" we can sometimes find ourselves in.  The one where our mind just goes down a rabbit hole of insecurity, fear, or negativity.  Sometimes you have to TAKE A MINUTE and snap yourself out of it.  How? By saying out loud every single thing you are thankful for.  I have tried this the past few days as my mind has been flirting with my anxiety and insomnia again and I just have to stop. Center. Refocus. And give thanks! My God reigns. He is victorious over every battle.

So now, I remain FULL of thanks.  Thank(FULL) for all He has entrusted with me. I desperately want to lead well. Love BIG. And be a good steward of all the gifts He has lavished on me. 

How it Felt to be a Trump Voter This Week

I have been a closet Trump voter this week.  Why? As a person who doesn't like confrontation and fears rejection, I wanted to hide and not put myself out there or take a stance either way.  Don't rock the boat, Abby.  You will lose friends and people's respect over this. But why are so many allowed to voice how they feel, yet somehow I feel like I can't?  So before you read on please treat me and my {probably different} opinion with respect.  Because we are all allowed to have our own opinions and this is mine. 

I am for freedom of speech and I am GLAD that we don't live in a cookie cutter America.  How boring would that be? But the very people who claim to be "open minded" seem to be very close minded this week.  I have felt family members, friends and strangers label me as a LBGT-hater, a bigot, racist, sexist, etc. and for the past few days I have zipped it. My parents always told me if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.  But I want to take a moment and respectfully tell you how I landed on this {not easy} decision. 

To start off, I contemplated NOT voting but NOT voting is an easy cop-out.  So I wrestled with the decision and frankly went back and forth.  Truthfully, I wanted NEITHER candidate.  I am FULLY aware of Trump's past and horrifying commentary {which he has apologized for} and that is the very reason I did NOT vote for him in the Primaries.  I also RESPECT Hillary voters because to be honest... I almost voted for HER.  There are SEVERAL issues that I agree with HER on. I find her poised, seasoned, determined, and honestly inspirational. I would also LOVE a female President someday and I loved her empowering speech to young girls and how they can do and be anything they want to be. I AGREE!!! I have 2 little girls of my own and I am already instilling that very thing in them.  I also want to point out that some of my very favorite people in the WORLD are from the LBGT community and I am fiercely PRO-REFUGEES.  My Mom's school is FULL of them and I adore each one of them. I fully intend on continuing to serve and minister to them despite the election results.  But for me, when push came to shove I voted on the platform.  I voted on the Supreme Court. I voted with a 30-40 year perspective vs. a 4 year stint in office. 

But to clarify to so many that do not understand HOW or WHY.  Here is what I voted FOR. 

A government who is: 

Pro America
Pro-Life
Pro Military
Pro Constitution
Pro Veterans
Pro Law enforcement
Pro 2nd amendment
Pro Israel
Pro Legal Immigration
Pro Limited government
Pro Constitutional Supreme Court
Pro Religious liberty
-Anti Obamacare
-Anti Common Core
-Anti Political corruption in DC

I am more conservative when it comes to social issues.  But isn't that okay? Can't we all hold true to our own convictions?  

Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I have to disrespect you as a person.  

And you know who has handled this transition with SUCH grace? That would be the two people who stood to lose the MOST in all of this.  Hillary Clinton AND President Obama.  Their speeches made me proud. WELL DONE to both of them.  President Obama said the Presidency is like a relay race.  You get passed the baton, run as best as you can, and then gracefully pass it off to the next person.  He said ANY amount of progress you made in your short term is a WIN! So now it's time to pass the baton temporarily to Donald Trump.  

If you didn't watch Trump's Victory Speech after he won, I would highly encourage you to, as painful as it may be.  As a closet / skeptical Trump voter it actually affirmed my decision and got me excited! I look forward to seeing what an incredibly successful and smart businessman can do for our country in regards to infrastructure, bringing jobs back to America, and our national debt. I think it will be exciting to watch. Lets PRAY FOR HIM.  That he puts wise and strong leaders and influencers around him in DC.  (He is going to need it!) And pray that he is able to accomplish all the GOOD THINGS he says he wants to accomplish for the greater good of our country. 

As college student Cassie Hewlett expressed:

"Silencing those who simply exercised their right to vote in our free nation violates the core principles for which our country stands. I am by no means saying that those who were not happy with the results of the election do not have the right to mourn. They absolutely do. However, I am saying that those who are content with the results should feel safe in expressing their joy and optimism for the future of this country without the fear of being ostracized."

Full post here. 

And as a Democrat Riaz Patel put :

The worst outcome of the election is that we have each been reduced to a series of broad labels that no longer reflect who we are. Mexican. White. Republican. Immigrant. Muslim. We may try to look at people as “labels” but we’ll never truly see them because THEY do not look at their own lives & families as labels. If, in the misery of this morning’s election hangover, we choose to continue to refer to Trump supporters as one collective “Them” I think that is as offensive as anything else I’ve heard in this election cycle and as ungracious as anything we feared from Trump supporters in the defeat we assumed would be theirs. I think a key part of beginning to heal is realizing Trump is not his supporters. Who he is and how he campaigned are truly distasteful to me. But his supporters are not him. They voted for a variety of reasons that are important and personal to them. And when I was with them this past weekend, everyone I came across showed me kindness & humanity. I hope, for their sake, the quality of their life improves. And that they are able to continue to work and provide their families with a safe and loving home.

Full article here. 

I think the way we treat, love, and serve one another is separate from who is in the Oval Office. We need to start BEING THE HANDS AND FEET of Christ. Not all churches are the same. Not all Trump voters are the same. Not all Democrats are the same. We each have our own convictions and reasons why we voted the way we did and truly, I respect all of my friends and family who voted for the other candidate. It was a hard decision for me.
All I am asking is for that respect to be mutual. 

CHRIST = LOVE

Lets be like HIM. 

Full Circle

365 Days.

It has been exactly ONE full year since my insomnia reared its ugly head.  The search began medically for a diagnoses... lifelong anxiety is what they said. I am still convinced it was somehow related to postpartum and the fact Chloé wasn't sleeping through the night.

The search also began spiritually. Where was the root of this anxiety? How could I identify it, heal from it, and move forward.

Counseling. Prayer. Deepening dependance and reliance on the Lord brought FREEDOM and transformation.

God's timing is always perfect. You may think it coincidence but I think its a sweet gift.  We are one year from when it began and THIS YEAR Logan and I are headed to Cabo for some much needed rest and relaxation after this hard year.  It is also the same weekend that I am officially off all medications.  I haven't had to take sleeping medication since March of this year and I am almost entirely weaned off my anxiety medication.

My marriage is Stronger. Tougher. Deeper.

My priorities are in check.

My faith is tried, tested, and TRUE.

God NEVER wastes your pain.  He uses it as a bridge to others.

I wouldn't wish this past year on anyone but it has not been a waste and I am grateful for the journey it took me on.  LOTS to celebrate this weekend!

It is Well with My Soul: 2 Months Later

The last time I remember feeling 100% was Memorial Day Weekend.  I got sick shortly thereafter with a virus that would take my ability to speak and swallow.

Here we are 2 months later and I am different.

How could you not be after going through something like this?

What just happened? Will I ever recover? What does this mean? Will I be around to watch my kids grow up? Will I be in chemotherapy during Katy's wedding? Will I be in speech therapy for months? What will my new "normal" look like? Will I have to get a feeding tube? 

All the questions. And now we are here.

Thankful is an understatement.  What on EARTH?!?!? What an insanely uncertain and scary summer.

I would say I am at 85% (Logan says 93%) of my full speaking/ swallowing function by doing nothing by resting and letting my nerve regenerate and recover.  (AKA God healing me)

I can now communicate at the drive through and for the most part spell my name out over the phone and people actually understand me. (I have been "Chloé" all summer at restaurants because it didn't contain any letters I couldn't pronounce haha!)

I can eat and swallow pretty normally.  Liquids very rarely come out my nose.  The fact that I can swallow ANYTHING without immediately having to drink water is miraculous improvement.

How quickly do we take our health for granted. Eating. Sleeping. Swallowing. Communicating. Singing.

And how quickly do we turn back into our old busy patterns once we finally receive the diagnosis. The answer. The game plan.

This summer was awful but such a sweet time with the Lord.  He was the ONLY one who knew what was going on. I felt immense comfort in that.  I relied on Him every single day.  Praying. Worshiping. Talking to Him. All day. Every day. (I am not exaggerating here.... I was clinging onto Him for dear life.)

I miss it already... I am trying to discipline myself to get back to that place, but honestly I think scripture rings true when it says... "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted." He is dear and NEAR.  Not to say you can't be close with Him when you aren't in a valley...but I think most who have been in a dark place can relate... It is just not the same after you come out. 

The week of Katy's wedding, I woke up on Wednesday and HEARD improvement.  Most people have told me they hear improvement but its been so minimal each day that I was never able to notice it.  This was the first time that I felt overnight I had jumped from like 50% to 75% of my voice function.  I called Logan right away and sure enough was able to get through the toast at my sisters rehearsal dinner which was my main goal! PRAISE HIM!!!! This was not a guarantee and He was so sweet to answer my specific prayer for that moment.  One that I could never get back!

I go back to the neurologist in September to evaluate my progress.

I also went to my psychiatrist this month to check in on my anxiety. She was blown away that I didn't have any sort of relapse with my panic attacks and insomnia when facing such a potentially traumatic health issue.  Because of this, she told me I was ready to wean off the Zoloft. So we start that process this month.

I am looking forward to the future.  The closing of a very difficult year... but one that people can attest... changed me. I am not the same girl I was a year ago. Not even close.

I feel more. I empathize more. I care more. I have more to give. I value things more.... the RIGHT things. I am fully surrendered to Him and His calling on my life. 

Pruning seasons are never fun.  But they are SO necessary in growing, maturing, and preparing us for our destiny and for that I am thankful...AND glad this season is behind us!

Logan and I are headed to Cabo next month for a much needed (and well deserved) vacation... just the 2 of us! To celebrate and RELAX and to welcome a new year and a new season for our family. One that is full of Rest. Health. Peace. Purpose. In Jesus Name.

It is Well with My Soul: Part 5

Where to even begin. On Friday I had the best appointment I have had in 5 weeks! I am SO encouraged. Not to mention my new neurologist, Dr. Alan Martin is an Aggie and a believer and SO KIND. I clicked with him right away and he spent almost 2 hours with me. I did not feel like another number.

NOT ALS. 

NOT myasthenia gravis. 

NOT MS. 

NOT muscular dystrophy.

I have cranial neuritis. I am not quite sure it is even a thing but he said the easiest way to explain it is that its like Bell’s Palsy but a different nerve. Mine has affected my cranial nerve 10 which controls my soft palate (and speech and swallowing) among other things. He told me to imagine a cable. Taking the rubber protection off the “nerve” would grow back really quickly. But when you CUT the nerve (one of the wires), it takes awhile to regenerate and grow back. My nerve was CUT. He said the GREAT NEWS is that its not dead. It is still operating to other parts of my body. He did the EMG on the back of my throat and we heard LOTS of “clicks” which means lots of nerve irritation/ inflammation. When a nerve is at rest it should be silent.

He said the fact that I have seen improvement (even minor) in 5 weeks is REALLY FAST and encouraging. He can’t give me a timeline but fully believes my body will heal itself over time.

He told me no more appointments. No more doctors. No spinal tap. No swallow study. Just to relax and heal for the next 6 weeks and come back end of August for a follow up to measure my progress.

He thinks this is directly related to my fever blisters as that virus can attack nerves and manifest itself in strange ways. My fever blisters came/ then moved to the back of my throat when I was sick…. If it wasn’t that virus, it was whatever I had that week when I was sick that attacked and shut down my nerve.

After 5 weeks of stress/ not feeling well / facing my mortality with all kinds of scary diagnoses… I feel SUCH RELIEF and GRATITUDE!!!

We still have road ahead but at least now we know what we are dealing with. Bell’s palsy can take anywhere from 8 weeks to 18 months to completely heal. So my prayer NOW is that my nerve would continue to regenerate quickly so that I can be fully healed and restored sooner than later. I also wanted to mention I asked him the likelihood of this happening again… He said almost always, these kinds of things happen once in a LIFETIME. So I am just getting mine out of the way early :)

 :)Singing PRAISES today. I am no better today than I was yesterday morning but I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. Grateful to God for encouraging news and sustaining me during the very long wait.

Life is PRECIOUS.  Do not take a single day for granted. Do not take your HEALTH for granted.  I am SO aware of these things after walking this road.  Praise be to God who CARES about every single one of us. His Peace and perseverance are what got me through. 

God sent His Son, they called Him Jesus
He came to love, heal and forgive
He lived and died to buy my pardon
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

And then one day, I'll cross that river
I'll fight life's final war with pain
And then, as death gives way to victory
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

And life is worth the living just because He lives

One Month and Love Notes

Today marks 1 month of this health journey. Thousands of dollars, numerous doctors and no answers/ minor improvement. God is my daily portion. The only thing giving me the endurance & perseverance to keep pushing through. This week starts a journey with new doctors & second opinions. I'm praying BOLDLY that God will give these men and women insight and wisdom that only He can provide for SOLUTIONS. As Logan told me this weekend, let's stop focusing on the why and what... And focus on the HOW to get better. Through medicine or miracle I'm believing that I will be restored 100%. He STILL HEALS.

God speaks to me so much through lyrics and music.... After reaading Susie Davis' Unafraid, I have considered these jewels my "love notes" from God.  He gave me this one this morning.

VERSE 1
If I call, will You come
When I cry, do You hear
I believe every tear
Is caught up by a faithful God
So I will cry until You come
Cast my cares into Your arms
I can't see past this storm
But I'm counting on a faithful God

CHORUS
Faithful God
You hold my life secure
All my days are Yours
I believe
My God is like a fire defending me
Faithfully

VERSE 2
I believe You still heal
And demons still bow
I'm convinced there is power
In trusting in a faithful God
So I will praise till You appear
And set Your foot upon this shore
I declare that every foe
Is subject to my faithful God

BRIDGE
I know that You are mine
And I am Yours, I am Yours
I know Your faithfulness
It will endure, it will endure

It Is Well With My Soul: Part 4

The week following my last update I made HUGE STRIDES!!!! I was able to talk a bit more... I got a few letters back such as "M" and "S" and was able to control the volume of my voice. Loud and Soft.  I still can't yell which is probably a good thing until Stella refuses to leave playgrounds or pools.

I also started to eat again... which in turn made me feel MUCH BETTER physically. It is still not EASY to eat or swallow but I am able to eat most foods as long as I have water nearby to help push it down.  I have not lost any more weight and have welcomed the chance to order REGULAR Chi Tea Lattes at Starbucks instead of my normal NONFAT haha! #ALLTHECALORIES #BRINGITON

To be honest, the past week there has been minor improvement but nothing substantial.  Sadly the retainer I had made actually made it harder to eat and swallow but I suppose it was worth a try.  It is JUST MONEY. I have to remember that.  Who cares.

Where are we now? We are waiting blood results to see if a spinal tap is necessary.  I am praying its not but in the same sense if I don't have to get one.... We are still left with lots of questions.

I would love your prayers on direction.  Spend more money and involve more doctors who potentially may say the same thing? Or continue to wait it out and pray it improves/ runs its course?

I find immense comfort in knowing that The Great Physician has the answers and the timeline of this.  I am looking forward to the day where all of this is behind me. Some days I am okay and completely at peace.  Other days I get SO frustrated with this condition and become impatient and angry.  I am pretty self conscious about my voice right now but thought I would share a video I sent my Prayer Warriors yesterday.  THIS IS SO MUCH PROGRESS compared to how we started off on June 5th.

Health Update : June 28th 2016 from Abby Misegades on Vimeo.

It is Well With My Soul: Part 3

We left off at the neurologist appointment, Wednesday June 15.  The day of that appointment I felt horrible. Keep in mind, I hadn't really eaten in over 1 week.  All I could really do was drink liquids due to my swallowing issues... and was getting really burnt out of smoothies.  If I stood up too fast, I would start seeing black spots and felt like I was about to faint.  I tried Ensure and hated it.  Just hated it. And since it was already hard to swallow, the last thing I wanted to do was force myself to drink something I didn't even like.  After my neurologist uttered the words "feeding tube" though, I snapped into action. All in all, I lost 15 pounds in 2 weeks. INSANE and very unhealthy weight loss.   That night on our way to church I force-fed myself a Frosty from Wendy's and baked potato.  I had to choke it down but it gave me fuel and once I started to eat, I started to feel better, obviously!

Before I get to church I wanted to mention that I also went to see Dr. Dahl at the recommendation of an ENT friend.  He is a prosthodontist. Didn't even know what that was until now.  He makes prosthetics for people who have conditions similar to mine.  When he saw me that day, he shook his head and said he had also never seen anything like this unless it was after severe trauma like a car accident.  He took impressions of my teeth to build me a retainer that would help liquid from coming out my nose and hopefully help my speech/ eating improve.  I think I was a bit of a science experiment.  He was very nice and all the doctors agreed that they thought this was viral and that the virus had knocked out my nerve. They were all quick to remind me that nerves take their SWEET TIME in healing but my age was working FOR ME since a 32 year old body will heal much more rapidly than someone in their 70s.

So back to church... I went to go hear Todd White speak. Have you heard of him? If you want to hear a powerful testimony, you can listen to his HERE. He OOZES Jesus and speaks such truth in LOVE.  He is now a member of my church at Gateway and thousands turned up to hear him talk on Wednesday night.  I knew he had healed many all over the world and that night he spoke of various testimonies and the power of the Holy Spirit in all of us.  After he was done, I got to meet him one-on-one backstage.  He had such kind eyes.  He gave Logan and I both hugs and asked what was going on.  He prayed over me twice and each time asked me to speak.  It was a small room full of people staring at me... I so hoped that I would just BLAST OUT AND START SPEAKING NORMALLY AGAIN!! I was SO hopeful. SO SO hopeful.

It didn't happen immediately but I still left encouraged and hopeful that God was going to heal me. Some of the things he spoke over me and Logan were so powerful.  He told Logan he was a strong man of God and he could tell he loved Jesus with his whole heart.  He then looked at me and told me that Logan couldn't fix this.  That I needed to take him off his pedestal and focus on The Healer.  He said that was the only way this thing would work.  My vertical relationship with God. Logan's vertical relationship with God. The overflow of THAT into our marriage.  So true. So powerful.  So many times I expect / hope Logan can fix everything for me. He wasn't created to do that for me.

He also told me to pray from a position of VICTORY instead of as a VICTIM.  This was so powerful for me because I was struggling a LOT with pity parties.  "Lord I just got done with this anxiety/ insomnia stuff. Haven't I been through enough? Isn't it someone else's turn?"  If we pray from this place, our prayers are going to be ineffective.  So I have been learning how to pray the truths of the Bible over my life.  That the SAME SPIRIT that raised Jesus from the dead is living inside of me. AND He WANTS to heal. He CAN heal.  He died for our sins AND our diseases.  By His stripes we are HEALED.  He DIED for this.  There is nothing I have to DO. I just need to RECEIVE and BELIEVE.

I wish I could tell you that I was instantly healed but I know that night I had other breakthroughs and for that I am thankful.

No mountain, no valley
No gain or loss we know
Could keep us from Your love

No sickness, no secret
No chain is strong enough
To keep us from Your love
To keep us from Your love

How high? How wide?
No matter where I am
Healing is in Your hands

How deep? How strong?

Now by Your grace I stand
Healing is in Your hands

Our present, our future
Our past is in Your hands
We're covered by Your blood
We're covered by Your blood

How high? How wide?
No matter where I am
Healing is in Your hands

How deep? How strong?
Now by Your grace I stand
Healing is in Your hands

In all things we know that
We are more than conquerors

You keep us by Your love
You keep us by Your love

How high? How wide? Oh, Lord
No matter where I am
Healing is in Your hands

How deep? How deep is Your love?
How strong? How strong is Your love?
Now by Your grace I stand
Healing is in Your hands

It is Well With My Soul: Part 2

This was taken the night my voice changed. I adore this picture of my Chloé girl. 

On Monday, June 13th I had my swallow study.  The lady who conducted it was puzzled.  Said she has done hundreds of these and never seen anything quite like it... Especially someone who was just 32 years old and healthy.  Typically they see these kinds of things in the elderly.   Apparently as I swallowed a sugar pill they were all holding their breath... watching as it sat on top of my airway in a pool of saliva and mucus as I strained to get it down my throat.   A normal person can swallow a huge sip of water in 1 fluid motion.  For me, a TINY sip of water took me 4 swallows and was very tiring and taxing.  As you can imagine... throw FOOD into the mix and it got REALLY difficult and challenging.  They told me after this appointment that I would need months of speech therapy which was pretty deflating.

As we went home to await the MRI results and follow up with my ENT, I got in the shower and just kneeled and cried out to God.  Desperation. Raw emotion. Uncertainty.   My sister Katy is getting married this summer and the last thing I wanted was to be given a bad diagnosis. I had to discipline myself to not put myself into scenarios that may never actually pan out.  That is Satan's favorite form of torture... Making you scared of something that isn't actually happening.

We drove to the doctor's appointment and when the ENT told me my scans came back ALL CLEAR, I breathed the biggest sigh of relief! PRAISE YOU, God! The doctor admitted that he was convinced that this was either the result of a stroke or that I had a mass/ tumor cutting off the function of that nerve but he was wrong! He told me he also had NEVER seen a case like this but that based on the MRI there was no permanent damage done but he still wanted me to meet with a neurologist to maybe see if he had seen something like this before.  His thought was that it was related to the nerve losing functionality for some reason.  So the search for WHY continued but at least we were able to rule out the scary stuff.

As I called my Dad on the way home, I broke down in tears.  I told him this whole time I was SO THANKFUL it was me and not one of my girls or Logan. I didn't think I would be able to handle the helplessness I would feel if it was one of them.  My voice cracked as I told him how hard it must have been to watch me go through this and not have any way to help.  He said it doesn't matter how old your kids get, the love you have for your kids only gets stronger.

So we pushed forward and made an appointment with the neurologist for Wednesday,  June 15 hoping for some clues, clarity, and answers. After meeting with him, he also admitted he had never seen a case like mine ever before.  The fact that it was so sudden and so acute and specific without any other accompanying symptoms.  He was convinced that it was viral because of the timing coming directly after the upper respiratory infection.  His thought was that the virus attacked the nerve that controls my speech and swallowing and he told me 1 of 2 things will happen now... I will either get better as the virus runs its course OR I could wake up and it would be worse.  The thing they are testing me for is  Myasthenia Gravis.  3-30 people out of every 1 MILLION get it. SUPER DUPER RARE.  But what happens is the virus attacks various muscles. He told me in that case I could potentially wake up one morning and not be able to walk or lift my arms.  (That was fun news) In that case I would need to go to the hospital for 5 days and get a blood transfusion.  It was treatable though, so that was positive.  So we took a ton of blood work that day and moved forward with scheduling a spinal tap to test the protein in my spinal fluid.

At that point (and still now) I remind myself.... I CAN HANDLE THIS. This is a life-giving diagnosis.  This is not cancer. This is not as a result of a stroke. I will be here to watch my girls grow up. I am HERE. I am THANKFUL. I am at PEACE.  He is the Great Physician and He isn't thrown off by this.  He isn't puzzled.  He knows the WHY and the HOW and the DURATION and I may not get to know.  Doctors may be confused but it feels good to know that I have a Good Father who loves me and has this entire situation under control.


Let the heroes rest
Let the striving cease
I lay down my crown
Here at Your feet

I will trust 
Here in the mystery
I will trust 
In You completely

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship

Let the weary rise
Lift their eyes to see
Your love crushing every lie
Every doubt and fear 

I will trust 
Here in the mystery
I will trust 
In You completely

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
You are making all things new

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship